The news is that Augustus Sweney-Lacks, the UKIP candidate for the Trumpton & Chigley constituency has been found to say something that couldn’t be taken as racist or homophobic.
This is believed to be a first for the party. Even the press office was confused at what to say when members of the press contacted them for a quote. UKIP’s leader, Nigel Farage, wasn’t available for comment as he was in the Jolly Racist, a public house near his home, having a nice English beer.
After multiple requests to the UKIP Press office, we finally got a response. It did take a while but when we did we were issued the following quote from an unnamed UKIP press officer. He did sound shocked when we first talked to him. After that he did issue the following statement:
We were shocked to hear that a parliamentary candidate was recorded saying nice things about immigrants and his views on the NHS seems to be at odds to, current, UKIP policy
It was also thought that Mr Sweney-Lacks isn’t after living off the European Union’s gravy train. It is also rumoured that his views would help British citizens in the European Parliament. He just wants to spend his time in England trying to help the British people in parliament without having to leave the country and visit any stupid foreigners.
Unlike the rest of the party, it seems that he isn’t a believer that all of this countries ills are down to our immigration policy and may even be at odds with the rest of the parties world view. This can be seen in the image below that was taken from the neighbouring constituency of Camberwick Green and from their website`
CHILDREN: "One, two, Freddy's coming for you..." from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET